Our fall blew in with great extravagance this year - too cold too early. When the icy cold blasted into our yard, our usual fall colors faded to dull brown. We jumped right into winter and I'm grieving the warm, bright autumn days we missed this season.

Where we live, even the warmer days are gusty. Sparrows slip into the Austrian pine outside my study window and hunker down until the blustery winds subside.

As the cold weather arrived, pain started in my leg. Now it seems to be easing up now and I'm grateful.

But the bad days brought me down. Even when I distracted myself with needlework, books or TV, dark thoughts gnawed, bringing up notions more chilling than the winds beating at our house.

I learned something important about myself in the personal and psychological evaluations that were required during my seminary years. When the psychologist discussed this with me, I saw that it was true, though I'd never thought about it before.

He told me that I tend to see the "big picture," not just details, and that I often discern unusual connections among things. This was a great help when I was working on my personal understandings of God and Jesus Christ.

When the pain started and my thoughts turned dark, I also saw a big picture, plus details and more connections.

I saw the United States of America trapped in its own angry, worst impulses, spiraling into a future of violence, isolation, selfishness and poverty for all but the richest. It was painful, a vision I wanted out of my head right now.

Where is God in this, I wondered? When groups of us stand against a decent future for all of us, when we can't muster the will to meet our children's and elders' needs. Where does this failure leave us with the God of the Bible who tells us that we are judged for the upright lives we lead, yes, and also for our acts of deep compassion for others?

Being a Christian, that made me turn to Matthew 25:31-46, which begins, "When the Son of Man comes in his glory..."

As the KJV puts it, Jesus comes to judge "the quick and the dead." The living and the dead. And how does he make his judgments? Who finds salvation?

He tells those being saved, "...I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me." Matthew 25:35-36.

My vision said we're failing him. And ourselves as well, not to mention the poor and outcast, of whom we are creating more daily.

My physical pain is better. My spiritual pain remains. I think We the People, if we want this nation to remain great, must take a fresh look at things. Amen.

Joan Uda is a retired United Methodist minister living in Lewis and Clark County. Contact her at joanuda@yahoo.com or PO Box 1065, E. Helena, MT 59635. Her books are available at area bookstores.